It's Official: Chocolate Helps You Lose Weight

 

Chocolate lovers no longer have to fear the flab as eating more can help you keep slim, new research claims.

A study has found that despite boosting calorie intake, regular chocolate consumption is related to lower body mass index (BMI).

The effect is modest but greater than can be explained by chance, say the US researchers who took account of influencing factors such as overall fat consumption and exercise, reports Sky News.

BMI relates height and weight and is the standard measurement used to assess levels of obesity.

The good news about chocolate emerged after scientists screened a group of 972 men and women with an average age of 57 for a study of statins - cholesterol-lowering drugs.

Among other diet and lifestyle questions, participants were asked: "How many times a week do you consume chocolate?"

Chocolate is known to contain plant chemicals called polyphenols that combat heart disease and may influence metabolism.

The researchers suspected they might, to some extent at least, off-set the unwelcome effects of high saturated fat levels in chocolate bars and sweets.

No account was taken of different types of chocolate, some of which contain more healthy elements than others.

The results showed that chocolate was not only "calorie neutral" but actually appeared to make people slimmer.

Participants who ate chocolate on more days of the week than average were statistically likely to have a lower BMI than those who did not.

This was despite the fact that people who ate more chocolate did not consume fewer calories overall, or take more exercise.

Study leader Dr Beatrice Golomb, from the University of California at San Diego, said: "Our findings appear to add to a body of information suggesting that the composition of calories, not just the number of them, matters for determining their ultimate impact on weight.

"In the case of chocolate, this is good news - both for those who have a regular chocolate habit, and those who may wish to start one."

“VP Namadi Sambo Knows about My Connection With Boko Haram” – Senator Ndume

Senator Mohammed Ali Ndume who is currently under going prosecution for supporting/financing the dreaded Boko Haram sect and with-holding vital security information from security agencies had fingered the vice president as being in the know about his (Ndume) transactions and contacts with the sect.
Senator Ndume said on oath before a Federal High Court in Abuja that “the Vice President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, His Excellency Namadi Sambo, is also aware that he was in contact with the Jammatul Sunnah Walid Jihad (otherwise known as ‘Boko Haram’).”
Meanwhile, in his bid to exculpate himself from the charge, Ndume, in the affidavit which was deposed on his behalf by one Hauwa Abubakar, a legal practitioner in the chambers of his lead counsel, Messrs Rickey Tarfa, SAN, read in part:
“The said Presidential Committee was mandated amongst other terms of reference, to consider any other initiatives that will serve to engender enduring peace and security in the area.
The committee swung into action with a mandate inter alia to dialogue with, negotiate with and arrive at an amicable settlement with the said “Boko Haram” sect.
“He was contacted via phone by people who claimed to be members of the Jammatul Sunnah Walid Jihad (otherwise known as ‘Boko Haram’) as a result of being a member of the Presidential Committee to find amicable settlement to the issue of security confronting the nation.
“His first contact with the said Jammatul Sunnah Walid Jihad (otherwise known as ‘Boko Haram’) was in the course of his national assignment on the security challenges in the North East of the country. “He has never been a member of the Boko Haram and never provided logistics such as telephone numbers to the said terrorist sect or any member(s) of the said sect or any Ali Sanda Umar Konduga.
“He never received any information from Ali Umar Konduga on planned attacks on judges of the Borno State Election Tribunal. The first time he was contacted by one Ali was on 4th of October, 2011 after his inauguration as a member of the said Presidential Committee and in the course of his assignment on the security challenges in North East.
“He promptly informed one Usman, who represented the State Security Service before the Presidential Committee of his contact with the said Jammatul Sunnah Walid Jihad (otherwise known as ‘Boko Haram’ sect) and also other members of the committee.
“He also informed the Director of State Security Service of his interaction with the said “Boko Haram” sect and forwarded a copy of the DVD he obtained from the sect to the Director of SSS for review.
“The Vice President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, His Excellency Namadi Sambo, is also aware that he was in contact with the Jammatul Sunnah Walid Jihad (otherwise known as ‘Boko Haram’).
“All actions taken by him with respect to the “Boko Haram” were for and on behalf of the said Presidential Committee as he was mandated by the said Committee. Before his appointment as a member of the Committee, he never had any contact with the said sect or any member or in possession of the telephone numbers of any member of the sect.
“I know of a fact that the charge as constituted is an abuse of court process. There is no offence disclosed against the Accused /Applicant in the proof of evidence.
“The proof of evidence does not disclose any prima facie case against the Accused/ Applicant. There is nothing to link the accused with the alleged offences committed as stated on the charge.
“The Complainant/Respondent will not be prejudiced by the grant of the reliefs sought in this application. It is in the interest of justice to grant this application”, he added.
Having raised allegations against the Vice President, Sambo, and the Director of the SSS, Nigerians are watching to see how the Attorney General of the Federation is going to handle the matter since no one is presumed to be above the law.
If indeed Ndume is facing trial over his alleged non disclosure of information to security agencies pertaining to planned attacks by the terrorist sect, what then should be the fate of any one found to have acted as an accessory to the alleged crime?
Will the AGF summon the VP to appear before the trial court to exonerate himself over the allegation meted against him by the accused person? How far can the Federal Government really go on this one? Is this trial another wild-goose chase?

Woman Sacrifices Her Only Daughter to River Goddess Awube for More Children

Idenyi Abbah, a middle aged woman residing at Anumajogwu, in Ogbadibo Local Government Area of Benue State has confessed to killing her 8-year-old daughter, Enyanwu, because she wanted more children.
Currently held at the Ukwo Police Station in Benue State, Abbah, who had one child for her husband, said she became envious when he married a second wife in a quest for more children. She then consulted a juju priest at Ikem in Anambra State, who allegedly asked her to sacrifice her only daughter to the Awube goddess.
“I have been to every part of the country, searching for pastors and native doctors that could help me out of this problem, but have been told almost the same story, that my only daughter was ‘ogbanje’ (witch) and had blocked my womb,” she said. “I had tried to avoid the solution I got from one native doctor at Ikem; until my husband opted for another wife. This move had forced me to do the wish of the gods by killing Enyanwu.”
At the venue of the sacrifice, near the Awube River, around midnight, the said juju priest allegedly arranged for some young men who gang-raped Enyanwu before sacrificing her to the said goddess, while her mother watched.
A resident of the area, who gave his name as Okpe, claimed to have witnessed the murder from a hideout while he was hunting at night; adding that he was powerless to stop the killing because the young men were armed. “They put their knives through her neck after the mother had said some incantation,” he said. “They also raped her before that.”
Okpe said he fled the scene and reported the matter to the village head, who then alerted the police. When police officers and residents of the community stormed the scene of the murder, nobody was found and a search revealed Enyanwu’s mutilated corpse in a shallow grave near the river.
Police authorities in the state say a manhunt has been launched for the murderers and that Abbah will soon be charged to court.

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Don't Be a Martyr! 10 Steps to Letting Go

Finding a balance between what you give and what you get in your relationships is essential to your happiness, health and well-being. From co-workers to friendships to family, take Dr. Robert Holden's Sacrifice Test to identify the key reasons behind the sacrifices you're making in your relationships. Once you have your results, use these 10 powerful exercises to help you let go so that you can finally say yes to a more beautiful life. 

There are two types of sacrifice: unhealthy sacrifice and healthy sacrifice. In my work, I have seen people try to use unhealthy sacrifice to save a marriage. It appeared to work at first, but love and dishonesty are not good bedfellows. I have seen lovers try to play small in a relationship so as to heal power struggles and avoid rejection. I have seen children get ill in an attempt to heal their parents' relationship. I have seen business leaders nearly kill themselves for their cause. Unhealthy sacrifice is often well-intentioned, but it never really works.

Healthy sacrifice is a different story. To be happy in a relationship, for instance, you have to be willing to sacrifice fear for love, independence for intimacy, defenses for joy and resentment for forgiveness. To be successful at work, you have to be willing to sacrifice being in control to allow for innovation and sacrifice chronic busyness for genuine success, for instance. Healthy sacrifice helps you to let go of what does not really work in order to embrace what does work.

So, how much unhealthy sacrifice are you in right now? Sometimes the habit of unhealthy sacrifice is so unconscious we are the last to recognize it in ourselves. Would you be willing to sacrifice unhealthy sacrifice so as to shift your life and experience greater joy, love and abundance? I am true to myself in my closest relationships.

In our first coaching session, Claire, a 28-year-old classical pianist, told me, "I want you to help me prepare for a conversation I need to have with my parents." Claire grew up in a musical family. Her father was a well-known conductor. Her mother played first violin. "Classical music is a religion in our family," Claire said. Claire was an accomplished classical pianist. "I'm good at it, but my heart's not in it," she said. "I really want to play jazz. That's what my soul wants. But I'm afraid it's not what my parents want."

The story of sacrifice usually begins in the family. The primary sacrifice is a movement away from your authentic, unconditioned self to a more adapted, pleasing self. Early on, you notice what wins smiles, applause, approval and love, and also what doesn't. Being adaptive is normal and healthy, but too much of it can cause a pattern of unhealthy sacrifice later in life. The movement away from your authentic self to a pleasing self is a fall from grace that leaves you chasing happiness outside of you. Other symptoms include feeling unworthy, being afraid of rejection, always giving your power away and ultimately feeling unloved and unsuccessful.

Letting Go Exercise: Meditate on being true to yourself. First, ask: "What does being true to myself really mean?" Second, notice how good it feels to listen to your heart, to follow your joy, to trust yourself and to be authentic. Third, look at where you could be truer to yourself. Fourth, notice any fears that arise and question: "Are these fears true, or are they just fears?" Be willing to let go of being "good," "nice" and "pleasing" so that you can be real and so that people can see who you really are. Remember this: When you are true to yourself, you cannot betray anyone else.

I feel guilty if I am happy and others are not.

Lucy was 22 years old when we first met. She had fallen in love with a man she would eventually marry. "I'm in love, very happy, and I feel guilty as hell," Lucy said. Growing up, Lucy's father suffered from depression and alcoholism. He was occasionally violent toward her mother. "It was me who helped her to be strong enough to finally get divorced," Lucy said. Lucy's mother fell into two more abusive relationships. Each time, Lucy helped her mother untangle herself. "We bonded together through adversity," Lucy said, "and now I'm afraid that my happiness will somehow tear us apart."

Unhealthy sacrifice is often perpetuated by an erroneous fear that your happiness is selfish. If you believe this fear, then too much happiness will feel wrong, bad, illegal, blasphemous and harmful to others. Is this really true? Here's what I believe: You can't get depressed enough to make somebody happy; you can't get ill enough to make someone else well; you can't get poor enough to make somebody rich; and you can't betray your heart to save someone else.

Letting Go Exercise: To help you let go of the belief that sacrificing your happiness makes everyone else happier, make a list of all the people who are truly grateful for your self-sacrifice. This list should take you two seconds to complete! Next, consider this affirmation: "My happiness is my gift to others." Think about how this might be true for you. Reflect on how your happiness can help you to love others more. Letting go of the fear that your happiness is selfish creates new possibilities of growth and joy for everyone. I often end up being the caregiver in relationships.

"I've fallen in love with the most handsome man, and I want you to help me not turn into his mother," said Stella, a 36-year-old human resources director of a global company. Stella had had two previous long-term relationships. "Each time the big, strong man became a little, helpless boy," Stella said. "And the gorgeous, sexy woman [i.e., Stella] ended up in employment as a full-time carer." This was Stella's first serious relationship for six years and she didn't want to fall into a role again.

Roles in romantic relationships are usually a projection of roles first forged in childhood. When I asked Stella who was the martyr in her family, Stella replied quickly, "My mother, big time." If a family has one martyr in it, then unhealthy sacrifice is something everyone will have to deal with. Classically, everyone in the family tries to heal the martyr, and they usually end up in unhealthy sacrifice trying to do so. The authentic, unconditioned self is lost as you take on the job/role of being the helper, the good child, the peacemaker, the healer, the responsible one, the grown-up one, the hard worker, the strong one, the invisible one and the martyr.

Letting Go Exercise: Take a look at your family. Identify the roles everyone played when you were growing up, including you. Notice if you still play these roles in romance, with friends, in work and on your spiritual journey. Notice what this costs you. Playing a role leaves you feeling like a cardboard cutout of your real self. You feel flat and lifeless. You try to be positive, but really you feel removed, unappreciated and resentful. Remember this: Roles are self-appointed. No one said you must take on this role. If you are in a role, there must be a better way. It's time to make a new choice.

I am afraid of giving too much in relationships.

"I've met a new girl, and I think this time she could be the one," said Dan, a 34-year-old firefighter based in New York.

"You don't sound very happy," I said.

"I am very happy," Dan replied. "I'm also very scared."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because every time I commit to a girl, I end up giving too much," Dan said.

"Is that really true?" I asked.

"It feels true," Dan replied.

"Is the problem that you give too much, or is it that you give yourself away?" I asked.

The unhealthy sacrifices you have made in the past can, it not healed, put you off relationships for life. Or they can put you off taking the next step in commitment and intimacy in your current relationship. When you are in love, you recognize that love wants to give everything, totally, and there is no feeling of loss. However, when you are in unhealthy sacrifice, giving always feels like loss. Why is this? Well, partly it is because unhealthy sacrifice is an attempt to give without receiving. Also, unhealthy sacrifice is a covert operation of "giving in order to get" (e.g., "If I give myself away to you, you will keep me, wont you?").

Letting Go Exercise: When you play the role of the "giver," you usually also end up playing "the loser." Inevitably, your relationships end up feeling one-sided. People seem to take more than they give. Your relationships seem to take a lot out of you. The first step in letting go of the role of "giver" is to inspect the role more closely. You may find, for instance, that "giving too much" hides feelings of unworthiness, a desire to please, a fear of rejection, wanting to be the one in control, a reluctance to receive and a lack of authentic presence and openness on your part. I am good at asking for what I want.

"Whenever I need something from someone, I buy chocolate," said Carol, a 44-year-old schoolteacher.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Chocolate never says no," Carol replied.

"How much chocolate do you eat?" I asked.

"A lot," Carol said.

Unhealthy sacrifice leads to dysfunctional independence. If you are a DIP—a Dysfunctionally Independent Person—you are trying to do your life all by yourself without help from anyone else. This is your way of declaring to the world: "I have no needs." Truthfully, you have plenty of needs; it's just that you suppress them. Why? Probably because you are trying to avoid a repeat of past disappointments when some of your needs were not met. Inevitably, you end up more needy than most, but you cover it up by being strong, being a giver, being cool, being independent, being cynical, being busy and being dishonest with yourself.

Letting Go Exercise: When you let go of your dysfunctional independence, you feel so much more alive, open and abundant. You also discover that asking for what you want is a chance for others to connect with you, to know you and to love you. Being willing to forgive and let go of old wounds helps you to move out of separation and unhealthy sacrifice. Now, instead of expecting people to read your mind and know what you need or want, you can actually tell them. Doing this feels emotionally risky, but it's a risk that's worth taking. Now you're ready for a real relationship.

I find it difficult to receive fully from others.

"I hate birthdays," said Phil, a 38-year-old doctor from London.

"All birthdays?" I asked.

"God no! I love other people's birthdays," Phil said.

"You hate your own birthday," I said.

"I don't like the attention, and I don't like being given presents," Phil said.

"I love presents," I said, being a bit provocative.

"When someone gives me something I feel like I owe them, and I can't relax until I've paid them off," Phil said.

Unhealthy sacrifice promotes a kind of giving that blocks receiving. There are usually two underlying dynamics at work. The first dynamic is unworthiness. Your self-worth creates a personal allowance that judges how much you will let yourself receive from others. With especially low self-worth, receiving from others leaves you feeling indebted, obligated, owing and duty-bound to give back. The second dynamic is pride. And hidden beneath pride is competitiveness, superiority, egotism and other murky feelings. According to pride, to receive is unnecessary and to receive is to fail.

Letting Go Exercise: In my book Shift Happens!, I wrote a chapter saying there are no shortages, only a lack of willingness to receive. Being willing to receive starts with letting go of your fear of receiving. Complete the following statement 10 times: "One of my fears of receiving is..." After you have finished, look at each fear and discern for yourself if the fear is really true or if it is just a fear. At least 90 percent of fears are just fears that dissolve the moment you give them some attention. Next, make a decision to be a great receiver. Really! Make this your new affirmation: "I am becoming a great receiver." I often end up being the caregiver in relationships.

"I've fallen in love with the most handsome man, and I want you to help me not turn into his mother," said Stella, a 36-year-old human resources director of a global company. Stella had had two previous long-term relationships. "Each time the big, strong man became a little, helpless boy," Stella said. "And the gorgeous, sexy woman [i.e., Stella] ended up in employment as a full-time carer." This was Stella's first serious relationship for six years and she didn't want to fall into a role again.

Roles in romantic relationships are usually a projection of roles first forged in childhood. When I asked Stella who was the martyr in her family, Stella replied quickly, "My mother, big time." If a family has one martyr in it, then unhealthy sacrifice is something everyone will have to deal with. Classically, everyone in the family tries to heal the martyr, and they usually end up in unhealthy sacrifice trying to do so. The authentic, unconditioned self is lost as you take on the job/role of being the helper, the good child, the peacemaker, the healer, the responsible one, the grown-up one, the hard worker, the strong one, the invisible one and the martyr.

Letting Go Exercise: Take a look at your family. Identify the roles everyone played when you were growing up, including you. Notice if you still play these roles in romance, with friends, in work and on your spiritual journey. Notice what this costs you. Playing a role leaves you feeling like a cardboard cutout of your real self. You feel flat and lifeless. You try to be positive, but really you feel removed, unappreciated and resentful. Remember this: Roles are self-appointed. No one said you must take on this role. If you are in a role, there must be a better way. It's time to make a new choice.

I am afraid of giving too much in relationships.

"I've met a new girl, and I think this time she could be the one," said Dan, a 34-year-old firefighter based in New York.

"You don't sound very happy," I said.

"I am very happy," Dan replied. "I'm also very scared."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because every time I commit to a girl, I end up giving too much," Dan said.

"Is that really true?" I asked.

"It feels true," Dan replied.

"Is the problem that you give too much, or is it that you give yourself away?" I asked.

The unhealthy sacrifices you have made in the past can, it not healed, put you off relationships for life. Or they can put you off taking the next step in commitment and intimacy in your current relationship. When you are in love, you recognize that love wants to give everything, totally, and there is no feeling of loss. However, when you are in unhealthy sacrifice, giving always feels like loss. Why is this? Well, partly it is because unhealthy sacrifice is an attempt to give without receiving. Also, unhealthy sacrifice is a covert operation of "giving in order to get" (e.g., "If I give myself away to you, you will keep me, wont you?").

Letting Go Exercise: When you play the role of the "giver," you usually also end up playing "the loser." Inevitably, your relationships end up feeling one-sided. People seem to take more than they give. Your relationships seem to take a lot out of you. The first step in letting go of the role of "giver" is to inspect the role more closely. You may find, for instance, that "giving too much" hides feelings of unworthiness, a desire to please, a fear of rejection, wanting to be the one in control, a reluctance to receive and a lack of authentic presence and openness on your part.

Photo: Jupiterimages/Thinkstock

I find it difficult to put myself first.

Sian is a 42-year-old mother of two children under the age of 5 and also the vice president of a well-known global healthcare brand. She came to see me after her doctor had prescribed her antidepressants. Sian disagreed with her diagnosis. "I'm not depressed; I'm exhausted," she said. Sian told me about the challenges of her role at work combined with raising a young family. "I have no time for me," Sian said. "The only way I can get my haircut is to book a group appointment with my kids' hairdresser." My first task as Sian's coach was clear: to help Sian get a proper haircut!

Unhealthy sacrifice forces you to leave yourself out of your own life. You think something is missing in your life, and it is. What is missing is you. The real you. Every day you fill out your to-do list, and you are nowhere to be found on your own list. You make no space for you, no provision for you and no time for you. Be clear that this is you doing this to yourself. When you catch yourself saying, "I never have time to do what I want to do," what you are really saying is, "I don't take time for my needs." In truth, you are depriving yourself. Therefore, you are the solution.

Letting Go Exercise: "If I had but two loaves of bread, I would sell one and buy hyacinths, for they would feed my soul," said Prophet Muhammad. To heal unhealthy sacrifice, you have to be willing to let go of the habit of depriving yourself. Take a pen and paper and answer the following questions: "What feeds me?" "What inspires me?" and "What do I love?" Next, make a commitment to stop neglecting yourself and to treat yourself better. Everyone will benefit from you doing this. Life always gets better when you treat yourself better.

I feel happy and fulfilled in my life.

I had been coaching Emma, a 38-year-old lawyer, for nine months when she was offered a promotion to the board of her firm. This was the first time in the long history of this firm that a woman had been offered such a position. "I'm so happy, but I've decided not to accept," Emma told me. When I asked her why not, she told me, "I'm afraid the position will demand too much self-sacrifice." I agreed with her. And I told her that, "So long as it's healthy sacrifice rather than unhealthy sacrifice, you have nothing to fear."

The next level of success and happiness in your life, your work and your relationships does require sacrifice. Specifically, it requires you to sacrifice unhealthy sacrifice. In other words, you have to learn the difference between giving yourself away and giving more of yourself. You give yourself away when you are not true to yourself, when you play a role, when you don't ask for what you want, when you don't prioritize properly and when you deprive yourself, for example. Remember: Whatever you try to achieve with unhealthy sacrifice can be achieved without it.

Letting Go Exercise: Success and happiness require you to let go of your unworthiness, to let go of your wounds, to let go of your defenses, to let go of your story and to let go of your ego. The more you let go, the more you inhabit your authentic, unconditioned self again. And now you are more present, more connected, more open and more able to give yourself without giving yourself away. The more grounded and centered you are in the truth of who you are, the better you understand that to give yourself simply means to be yourself, and in "being" there is never any loss.

Just Say What You Want, Dammit! How to Speak Up

Hanging back, dropping hints, and generally mousing around gets you nowhere and drives other people nuts. Here's what you should do instead.

"I want my husband to have more sex with me," a girlfriend remarks at lunch. "I feel like he rarely initiates it, and I want to do it more often."

"Did you tell him how you feel?" I ask, after the waiters have administered strong smelling salts and propped me back in my chair. "Don't you think that the first step might be saying that to him instead of me?"

"Honestly, I could never," she responds. "He would assume I was dissatisfied or accuse me of being a nag. But I've been buying lots of silk lingerie and sheer little nighties and making sure I look my best at bedtime, hoping to pique his interest. Besides, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex per se, I just want him to want me to."

Right. So, she wants sex, but she doesn't want it. She merely wants her husband to want it so she can get what she wants—which, perversely, is something she doesn't particularly want. Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?

She's afraid that people will label her needy, bitchy, clingy, whiny. In other words, wanty. Wanty (known in Italy as volere, on New York's shrink-saturated Upper West Side as the id) is the hobgoblin who scrambles the signals so that wanting becomes a bad thing instead of a way to move forward. His cohorts are guilt and denial; his ace up the sleeve is fear of rejection.

What if I look stupid?

What if the answer is no?

What if, what if? So goes Wanty's refrain.

Wanty should not be confused with pure Want. Pure Want is the essence of living. It's the human condition, the slender quill that pricks the sectors of the soul, stimulating yearning or envy, desire or desperation. Nor should Wanty be mistaken for his cousin, Wishy, who pines for a more unattainable horizon and subsists on fountains glutted with coins, birthday candles, and the sternum bones of most poultry. Incidentally—spoiler alert—whoever grasps the wishbone higher up toward the joint will always win.

Wanty looks daggers at Wish and Want and shames them into silence. He flicks open the refrigerator door and slams it shut, thumbs through your credit card statements reproachfully, reaches out and shakes up your mind, juddering friendly old desires into unrecognizable enemies.

Do we even allow ourselves to know what we want?

"Where should we go for dinner?" I ask my husband.

"Wherever you want," he says.

I suggest a nice barbecue place around the corner. No, he says, he doesn't feel like barbecue. Chinese? No, he had Chinese food for lunch. Italian? No, too heavy. Thai? Too much like Chinese. Where, then, I repeat, does he want to go for dinner?

"I dunno. Wherever you want."

Kill me now.

It wasn't always this way.
 In pioneer days, when times were hard and the average life span was 37 years, saying what you wanted was good. It was a requisite for survival. Settlers had to be focused, decisive, and make the right choices, just like the contestants on American Idol, except there was no video recap of your "journey" and the grand prize was a contract for 160 acres of Osage land.

Nowadays, with life expectancy exceeding 75, our lifestyle expectancy has soared as well. Higher expectations translate into serious want-flation. And with that, for some people—many of them women—comes guilt-flation. Certainly guilt-flation is a learned behavior. Small children have no compunctions about saying, even shrieking, what they want. At a critical point, though—third grade, fourth grade, fifth—the shame of wanting sets in.

An unusually wise friend with a teenager and a grade-schooler ponders the different want styles of her kids. "When we go shopping, my younger child knows exactly what he wants and is extremely vocal about it. But my older one can never say what she wants. How do I make her realize that you have to say what you want in order to receive it? When a person can articulate what she wants, it motivates others to give it to her."

Somewhere between the Homestead Act and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, articulating your wants went from being a wardrobe basic to an embarrassing accessory, like control-top underwear or Odor-Eaters. Plain Want evolved into Wanty.

Hence, we stifle yawp and dissent, ensuring unstirred pots, unsplintered peace. When a friend makes a plan to see a movie that conceivably patented the gag reflex, we decide not to make heavy weather of it. In candor's stead, we coax, cozen, and imply; we cloak our language in e-mail and conversation so we don't appear too blunt, too aggressive, too demanding. We either submerge our wants or present them in such a veiled, indirect fashion they confuse and annoy.

"Just for fun," says my visiting mother-in-law, a midcentury minimalist before she hit her mid-70s, that magical age when pastel birdhouses and gilt frames suddenly seem like a good idea, "let's throw out all your paperback books."

Wow, that doesn't sound very fun to me. We actually read our paperback books. It also sounds like a lot of work. Still, one would be prudent not to fly in the face of the filio mater too hastily. "Do you dislike the way they look?" I ask. "Do you want me to throw them out?"

"No, no—let's just see what happens," she replies. "I thought it would be a nice thing to do for you."

"So, does that mean you don't want me to throw them out?"

"No." And now the conversation takes a flinty turn. "As I said, I thought we could throw them out, just [pause] for [pause] fun."

Wanty

If only she could come right out and exclaim, "Those shabby paperbacks are an embarrassment to the family name!" If only she would flatly state, "This isn't about you, it's about me and my aesthetic values and my desire to regulate my surroundings." If only she could chisel through the shale sheets of Anglo-Saxon breeding and skip the Cheever-ized buck-and-wing so we could have a straightforward conversation.

Wishy
 But who can blame her? Women who say what they want—generally successful, high-achieving people—are considered difficult. Divas. Witches. Sluts. Heaven forfend we should be seen as termagants. Nobody likes a troublemaker.

Last year my son's progressive private school in Greenwich Village held an election for a parent liaison to the board. Two mothers vied for the spot. The first, whom we'll call Helen, was the parent of three children, one of them in my son's class; the second, now dubbed Daphne, was a newer parent.

Helen campaigned aggressively; she sent out e-mails explaining why she was the more qualified candidate, she stood by the ballot box and importuned passers-by to vote for her. Daphne took a far less vigorous approach. So unvigorous that, one year later, I have yet to figure out who she is. It was a tight race; the vote tally was nearly too close to call. For a moment, it looked as though Helen would emerge the victor.

Until.

Complaints began rolling in that Helen had illegally tainted the process by standing by the ballot box and making doe eyes. She had strong-armed the parent body. She was competitive, pushy, undeserving. There was an elaborate revote and Daphne was declared the winner.

Understand: Helen is not an intimate of mine. We are like night and day, close only in the way that opposing poles on a horseshoe magnet acquire proximity through a random bend. As for Daphne, well, since I have no earthly idea who she is, I can only wish her well. I couldn't help noticing, however, that Helen's main transgression, the crime that stripped her of her post, was publicly wanting too much. She committed to wanting something and went after it.

In an ideal world, this approach should have been fine, admirable even. In a pink-sky world where kindergarten tuition costs $20,000, it was particularly wrong, naughty, bad. Consequently, Helen was punished by the Wanty mothers around her.

"I guess I learned a lesson from this," she said afterward. I didn't ask what the lesson was, nor did she elaborate. Yet my heart broke a little because I suspected that the lesson was to not want too much. To not try too hard. To not commit to a desire. How ironic that we women, so famous for craving commitment, bar ourselves from committing to self-fulfillment. "Anyway, it's not a big deal," Helen observed. "It's just a medium deal."

The logy middle ground is Wanty's wheelhouse. Certainly, there are times when you can instantly pinpoint what you want. You want health and happiness. You want a ham sandwich. Simple. Between the incredible and edible, though, somewhere between vast and speck, is where Wanty manufactures his dissolute brand of perfidy. Those medium deals are the ones that can break you. It's too tempting to fold up medium-size wants into neat little packets and tuck them away on a high shelf. Left unattended, they can go from hiccup to Hecate before you realize what boiled you alive.

"I wanted my husband to stop drinking, but I was afraid to confront him," an older female friend confides. Rather than risk fussing with the home fires, she had a baby in the hopes that he would sober up. He did—for a little while. Then he resumed drinking. She had another baby. Four children later, she was divorced. Her second husband was a devout philanderer. Obviously, the best way to restore his fidelity would be to get pregnant. Three more times. He continued to tomcat his way around town until he left her.

Perhaps she has a few tips for my friend whose husband won't initiate sex.When the concept of standing up to your husband is more painful than the prospect of giving birth seven times, we're knee-deep in hot water and rags. Is it really worse to say, "Honey, you've had enough to drink" than to hear, a decade later, "It's a girl—again!" The whip of rejection leaves a deep lash; the fear it instills can cause us to drink too much, eat too little, stay too long. But better to sprain your sensibilities early than to find your life irrevocably fractured down the road. Speak now or forever sacrifice your peace.

This, I imagine, would be the perfect moment to provide a tidy formula for how to say what you want. No such formula exists. There's no script, no secret recipe for banishing Wanty and embracing Want. Just as wanting comes from within, so must the ability to convey it to the people around you. You might begin trying within your immediate circle, with a husband or sister or best friend, someone who's guaranteed not to belittle your requests. You might try having enough faith in others to have faith in yourself.

In any event, do try. Keep trying. Freedom to want is power steering, your trump card. It's what enables us to scan new constellations, fall in love or resolve to leave, find our way home. What you want isn't merely what you get. It's where you'll be. It's who you'll be.

"My wife is constantly attacking me," laments a former colleague who is having trouble at work. "She's constantly on me, tearing me apart. Everything is my fault. A lot of the time, she's probably right, but I can't take the misery. I'm afraid we're going to have to split up. I just want her to say, 'It's okay, I love you and no matter what happens, we'll be okay. No matter what happens, we'll still be standing.' If she only said that, I could endure anything."

"Why don't you tell her that?" I ask. "Isn't it better to be honest than to get a divorce? How could you not tell her?"

"It's too humiliating," he groans. "It sounds so weak. She would just think I'm pathetic. I can't just come out and say, 'Look, this is what I want.'"

Oh, but you can. You must.

Why It's Really Okay to Mess Up

If you've already broken your New Year's resolutions, don't sweat it: Every setback contains its own reward.

Photo: Ann Cutting

 Here we are,a quarter of the way through 2012, and the resolutions I made on New Year's Day are really starting to pay off! I love getting up before sunrise for 90 minutes of yoga and meditation—almost as much as I love being vegan! Fresh seaweed energizes me so much that it's easy to stay on top of all my work and still (finally!) learn Russian! And right now, if you're not thinking, "Can't she come up with a better April Fools' joke?" it's because your sense of humor is clogged with Pinot Grigio or OxyContin or walrus blubber or whatever else you resolved—and failed—to quit this year.

Many well-intentioned people make optimistic resolutions in January, only to see them melt like icicles by springtime. I'm convinced T.S. Eliot wrote "April is the cruellest month" after realizing he couldn't fit into the Easter suit he'd bought as motivation at an after-Christmas sale. I, too, followed a pattern of resolution, recidivism, and recrimination, until years of coaching showed me how useless it was. Self-criticism never helped my clients keep resolutions. It just made them wretched and annoying. If you're feeling low about all the resolutions you've failed to keep, you can either shuffle over to the freezer in your hair shirt, reach for the Ben & Jerry's, and start making things worse—or come with me on a little journey to self-acceptance.

Why Relax About Ruined Resolutions?

There are very good reasons not to get bent out of shape over a lack of resolve. First, as you've probably heard, our brains are malleable. Repeated self-criticism can literally shape them into patterns that sustain negativity, while persistent self-acceptance can reinforce more felicitous neurological pathways. Second, whenever we go to war with any issue in our lives, the thing we're fighting has a way of fighting back.

Try this: Think of a habit you're trying to break—smoking, nail-biting, guzzling hot fudge sauce directly from the bottle. Recall the familiar urge to commit this little crime. Now think, "I must not do this! Never! Never ever ever!" Notice: Does your desire to indulge disappear, or does it actually get stronger? See? Now picture yourself with a group of nonjudgmental, loving friends, people who accept you unconditionally, bad habits and all. Notice that in this loving context, your negative compulsions ease up.

Repeat this thought experiment until you realize that your therapist was right: What we resist persists. Paradoxically, positive change comes about when we're cheerfully nonresistant to things as they are—even things that seem highly problematic.

Finding the Perfect in Your Problems

Years ago I was running a life coach training session that was meant to end with a fabulous experience involving horses. But as we reached the pasture, a violent storm arose. With lightning striking all around, we took refuge in a shed, and, desperate to salvage the session, I asked each coach to answer the question "Why is this problem perfect?"—meaning "What's the silver lining here?"

The exercise saved the day (with answers ranging from "How better to learn about overcoming obstacles?" to "We're learning to be flexible and inventive" to "I've always loved sheds"), but afterward, those coaches began perfidiously using my words against me. "How is this problem perfect?" they'd say whenever I was experiencing some difficulty. This made me want to bite their throats (and not in a sexy, teenage-vampire way). Recently, though, I've noticed that my "perfect problem" thinking has become involuntary. The moment I start kvetching about any less-than-ideal situation, my brain goes into reverse. This is what went through my mind yesterday in an airport: "Damn it! The escalator's broken...but carrying my luggage upstairs is great ski training! Oh, crap, my flight's delayed...but that gives me time to charge my laptop! Oh, wait, we're leaving and my battery's still low...but now I can read a book on the plane! Perfect!"

Relentless internal optimism does feel odd to my brain. But it also feels good. Calm. Kind. Worth the sneers it elicits from my pessimistic side. So right now, join me as we find the perfection in our  unkept resolutions.

Embracing the Evil E's

Let's start with the things millions of us vow to get control of every year. I call them the Evil E's: eating, emotions, general edification, and e-mail. As we mine our brains for reasons to be glad we didn't keep our promises in these areas, feel free to grasp at straws. We don't need great reasons to be happy; we're after any reasons at all.

Diet, schmiet
I'm going to assume that your goal wasn't to cut back on kale or get a little meat on those bones. Eating resolutions always seem to involve achieving whatever degree of emaciation you find attractive. Failing to keep such resolutions forces us beyond cultural biases. In our pudginess, we must learn to value ourselves as sentient beings, not physical objects. We must learn humility and compassion, and activate courage just to show up at a high school reunion. Cellulite is a powerful spiritual teacher. Perfect!

Emotion sensors
I once made a resolution to lower my anxiety to zero. I meditated, read inspiring literature, did special breathing exercises designed to render me as calm as a hibernating squirrel. Then, in order to keep my eating resolutions, I started taking hoodia, a plant some African tribes use to suppress appetite on long hunts. Within two days, I was a trembling ball of hysteria. Hoodia seems to skew my body chemistry, and I just couldn't fight the anxiety that came with it. This reminded me of a simple fact psychologists have noted since Freud: All the resolving in the universe can't conquer our emotions. And that's just fine. We're not on this planet to robotically program our inner lives; we're here to become good people. Feeling emotionally out of control is like having a fender bender: It teaches us to navigate cautiously, pull back before we hurt ourselves or others, and find the calmest aspect of the psyche so we are safer "drivers" in our relationships. What's more perfect?

Ignorant bliss
Many resolutions involve learning things that would've come in handy...a few decades ago. Think you should memorize Plato or learn string theory? I've got one word for you: Google. Why be another source of information in an information avalanche? No one needs another trivia master flaunting knowledge. You know what we all need? Quiet. Stillness. Be thankful you don't have the names of all 44 (or is that 46?) presidents rattling around your brain—then sit back, gaze into the middle distance, and channel the beautiful, information-free energy that draws us to sleeping babies. Ah. Perfect.

In-box outlaws
Speaking of the information avalanche, every day I hear people apologizing for falling behind on e-mail, Facebook, sex videos, whatever. On a TV comedy, I watched a character die, only to return a few episodes later, asking, "Is it really so crazy that I faked my own death because I had too many e-mails?" The connectedness of our age makes it possible to have literally thousands of relationships, which in turn makes it possible for your psyche to implode like a cheap piñata. Yet falling behind in correspondence teaches you powerful social skills: boundary-setting, decisiveness, the guts to let demanding people fuss without getting a rise out of you. Those unanswered e-mails? Inevitable! Your angst at not pleasing everyone? Survivable! The whole damn mess? Perfect!

The Big Resolve

If you've been paying attention, you've noticed by now that this whole exercise feels—actually is—silly. But not as silly as constantly berating ourselves for failing to keep lofty resolutions. Taking a jolly, forgiving approach to our failures puts us in precisely the place of kindness and acceptance where positive change is easiest. In other words, give yourself a pass for avoiding the elliptical machine, and you might just find that said machine becomes your new best friend.

Of course, this approach won't always work, because nothing about psychology always works. That, by the way, is why we call our self-improvement projects "resolutions" instead of "solutions." We know from the get-go that we'll have to redo, re-solving the same problems over and over. It's the strength and practice we get from recommitting after failure that changes us for the better. So go ahead and renew your resolutions. If you manage to make them stick, that will be perfect. If you don't, that, too, will be perfect in some other way. Learning this moves you closer to finding the upside in everything—and that's a resolution worth keeping. No fooling.

12 Things I'm Too Stubborn to Tell My Mother

Between mothers and daughters, there's love—and a whole lot of other stuff. How do you undo past misunderstandings? One woman gives it a shot.

(Read More)

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Photo: Courtesy of Leigh Newman

1. Regarding the broken Art Deco hand mirror in the bathroom: I broke it. I apologize. There were only two of us living in our house, you and me. Who did I think I was fooling with that ghost story?

12 Things I'm Too Stubborn to Tell My Mother

Between mothers and daughters, there's love—and a whole lot of other stuff. How do you undo past misunderstandings? One woman gives it a shot.

  |  

Ph: Courtesy of Leigh Newman

1. Regarding the broken Art Deco hand mirror in the bathroom: I broke it. I apologize. There were only two of us living in our house, you and me. Who did I think I was fooling with that ghost story?

2. I too now say "you're plucking my nerves" to my children, especially when they are having water-splashing contests in the kitchen—right next to my cell phone.

3. Remember the bag of plums? I was 7. You were 35. You bet me a bag of plums that you could make the green traffic light. You made the light; I cried and then refused to buy you the plums. Then, for the next 32 years, I still refused to buy you the plums. Well, I owe you the plums. Further, I had a tendency as a child and young person to remain entrenched in ridiculous, no-win positions. This is not a happy way to live. You tried to tell me. I didn't listen.

4. About the drinking. It's behind us. Please, please forgive yourself.

5. The dog. I promised I would walk the dog. Over and over again, I promised I would walk the dog. I meant it at the time—but I didn't do it. You worked 60 hours a week to support us. I understand now why you had to give the dog away.

6. I secretly loved it when you hung your head out the car window and shouted "to thine own self be true!" in front of all the other kids on the playground. Shakespeare is the voice of life.

7. The wisest thing you ever did was to ignore me when I stayed out late as a teenager and came home smelling like Camel Lights, boys and very berry wine coolers. Like yourself, I am a bit of a rule breaker—but when there are no rules, it takes the fun out of self-destruction.

8. Your hair is blond. (Clearly, it is not blond.) But I now understand why I should go along with your little white lies, because I am getting older too, and I know why we all need them. By the way, my bottom is toned.

9. As for Madame Butterfly, to this day, I am ashamed. You bought me tickets to the most moving opera in the world. We went. We watched. We wept. The bell rang for intermission. You swept us off to dinner in the exquisite restaurant at Lincoln Center. I objected on the grounds it was too touristy. I felt it was akin to a bus ride in Paris. I was a fool! Worse, I was pretentious. That whole period—1991 to 1998—I was so afraid of being a country bumpkin that I was a big fat boob.

10. You made me be friends with "Barbara Bourbot" because she didn't have any friends. You made me into a kinder person.

11. Your purple-and-white-striped tube top, the one you used to wear while sunbathing in the front yard while I cringed...I would like it now, if you don't want it anymore—please? I realize you want to give me the lovely things you never got as a child. But it reminds me of you more than a strand of pearls or a silver comb-and-brush set. I can't help it.

12. When you wonder out loud if life would have been easier if you had stayed with my father, or if you should have had a second child because it's too hard to be a single mom of an only daughter—it's too much work; there's too little outside perspective; there's too much intimacy, so much so that our thoughts and glances and combined history tell us more than words will ever be capable of—you are probably right. It would have been easier. We would have fought less. We would have ended up as different people. Which would have been the greatest loss of my life. I like who we are, together and separately, and most of all when we are laughing side by side at old episodes of I Love Lucy, eating potato chips late at night.

‘I hate it when women don’t dress their age’

Kelechi Okere's love for making clothes pitched her against her father who wanted her to study Law at all costs because he felt she would make a great lawyer. As a woman who knew what she wanted in life, she spent her holidays and strike periods during her University days to make clothes for her friends and acquired two sewing machines before she left school.

In a chat with Daily Sun, the CEO of GZK opened up on the challenges confronting the fashion industry, and what she dislikes about a woman's style. Excerpts:
Let's meet you
I am Kelechi Okere. I own GZK clothing line. I have a big opinion that the Nigerian economy is dependent on small businesses. Till we look at it like that, I am afraid the economy will not grow as fast as it should. That is the reason I started this business. That is my dream.

What was your dream as a child?
When you are a child with a big mouth,very aggressive, and speak english properly, you are very confrontational, everybody thinks you can practice Law. But when you get to the university, it has nothing to do with your mouth. It is about fact and being able to study and research. I found school very difficult, it was such a struggle to graduate and by the time I was in my third year, I was just decided to follow my passion. I didn't even go to Law school, to me it was a waste of time. By the time I graduated in 2002, I made up my mind I wasn't going to stay into anything that has to do with Law again.

Why didn't you just go after your passion instead of studying law that you didn't like?
I told my father that I wanted to learn how to make clothes but he said no that I should choose between going to school and making clothes, he was so serious about it, and very angry too. I was afraid of my father at that time, so I decided to just sit back. But within me, I had this feeling I was going to be good at making clothes. I was artistic, I realized that I wasn't good at doing things from my head; but was good at sketching objects placed in front of me. I had an idea of what I wanted, I wish I had somebody who encouraged me. At that time, tailors were seen as people who didn't go to school, so it wasn't something my father wanted to hear of.

I gained admission and was studying Law even though I hated it and wanted to make clothes. By the time I was in my third year, I was tired. My hostel housed graduates who were jobless and they were always buying Tuesday editions of the Guardian newspaper. They would buy one and then it would go round the entire block. I made up my mind I was never going to go through that experience with them. I hated GMAT, I didn't get it, I was very bad with mathematics, so I decided never to study it for anything. In my fourth year, I collected my pocket money, changed school, bought my first machine and put it in my house. My parents didn't know.

My father had moved to Abuja, and I didn't tell my mother either. I found a friend of mine who was teaching pattern making at that time, so I started with her and learnt with skirts. Unfortunately, she had to move to Ogbomosho with her husband, so I now continued alone. During long strikes and holidays, I visited and paid tailors in my vicinity to learn from them too. I started making skirts for my friends at school and my sisters. I was generally practicing, I wasn't collecting money, just money for fabric and was enjoying it. My father came home one day and was shocked because I had even bought the second machine. I really can't tell what he was thinking that day, but when I realized he was happy, I was encouraged. He told his friends that I have turned his home into a factory. So, that is how I started.

Who is your greatest influence in the fashion industry?
The first time I saw somebody making patterns I was shocked, I had never seen it before in Nigeria. So, the first text book I laid my hands on was Nartley Bray's, I read it and I realized that she was a woman who actually studied Engineering. After the first world war, her family owned a school called Carthinker school of fashion. During the war, there was scarcity of clothes, so they wanted people to produce more clothes for women in the army and that was where she came in. She combined her background in science with arts and pattern making started.

When I read that, it blew my mind and the sad thing there is that she is hardly ever mentioned, I was shocked because lots of people always say that pattern making is a man's thing, but a woman actually started it. I am also influenced by Marie Vownet who started the bias cut. The bias cut looks good on clothes but many women don't know how it came into existence. It occurred to me that if these women could actually pioneer these breakthroughs in cloth making, I was sure of making it big. This is because pattern making is a bit technical, slow and quite irritiating. So, these women motivated me. A lot of creative Nigerian designers also motivate me.

How do you hope to remain relevant in years to come?
It is not a competition for any of us. Whenever you talk of a hundred and a hundred and fifty five million Nigerians, they are human beings who must wear good clothes. Apart from that, in as much as they say 70% of us are poor, there are enough rich people in this country to make up a nation. So, I don't see myself being irrelevant anytime in the future. There is room for everyone and we don't even have enough people in the industry to meet the huge demands of clothes in Nigeria.

How would you describe your clothes?
My clothes are simple, elegant and conventional. I don't like clothes that are inappropriate. My clothes can be worn to work, to church, to a party and even for an evening outing. It only requires a change of accessory from day to night events. Since consumers are dictating the pace, I constantly come up with clothes that will be used for every event thereby giving them good value for their money. My styles are conventional because so much can be done with them.

How challenging has it been?
It has been extremely challenging due to the environment we find ourselves. Things always work upside down in Nigeria and it is not encouraging at all. Practitioners don't know anything about the industry they are in. A lot of people don't know what they are doing and they get awards because they have a family name and people who are contributing so much to the industry are relegated to the background. Some stylists are lazy, they expect us cloth makers to run after them with our designs. The fashion industry is vast, the cloth makers, stylists, models, fabric importers and style writers make it happen in the industry and if the stylists don't know how to do their jobs, then it is a pity.

Other challenges include power, the cost of machinery and that of importing fabrics because it is not produced in Nigeria. The overhead is higher than the cost of production itself. We also don’t have tailors that are well trained because there are not reputable fashion schools in Nigeria. The youths of today don’t want to work anymore, they come and go like the wind. Work ethics is terrible but in all these, I still believe there is room for improvement.

What inspires your designs?
I just like good clothes that are well-tailored and well-finished. I don’t sit down and ideas come to me. I can transform any made cloth into a different and more classy design.

How did you come about your name GZK?
It is an acronym. My son’s name is Gozie, my daughter Zubechi, I am Kelechi and my husband’s name is Ken, so the K is for my husband and I.

What fabrics do you use for your designs?
I use everything, but I use cotton the more because the weather is so hot. I have importers who buy fabrics for me and I pay them.

How affordable are your clothes?
They are variables but they are very affordable.

Who are your target clients?
They include women who don’t have an 8-5 job, women who run their own businesses. Mothers who equally want to look nice while carrying out their duties to their children and home. Lawyers, insurance brokers, women in the ICT world and a few bankers who wish to look different. Women who wear my designs are between ages 25 and 45.

What kind of accessories go into your clothes?
I love designing my clothes with buttons and pockets, they come out beautiful. I love embroidery and pleats but do not use sequins and stones. I love to drape and play with darts. I love making my sleeves extraordinary, I use colours a lot, but they must also be colours in vogue.

What is your unique selling point?
My unique selling point is my marketing strategy. I was known for shirts when I started but I had to watch what was doing well into market. From there, I moved to dresses. I have also added a lot of classy jackets and trousers suitable for the African woman. It is always challenging for women here to get good trousers, this is because white designers cut the trousers to suit their figure which is different from ours.

What do you dislike about a woman’s style?
I hate it when women don’t dress their age. I dislike women who add too much to their dress, it is not flattering at all. Do not show too much, if you want to show your cleavage, then the rest of your cloth should cover your other parts. If you have to reveal your legs, then your upper body should be well covered. At my age, I have no business wearing a micro mini skirt. I had worn that in my twenties because I was youthful, but doing it now would be age-inappropriate. Women should avoid dressing like masquerades.

How often do you introduce new collections?
The initial plan was to introduce three collections per year, but because we are understaffed, I am stuck with two collections.

How do you relax?
I don’t go out often and dislike parties. I love watching cable TV. I record the programmes I have missed during the week, and watch them on Fridays since I am free. I love church activities because it draws me closer to my creator.

How do you combine your role as a wife, mother and business woman?
I won’t say I have found a perfect balance, but I am working towards it. I make sure I make up for any lost time not spent with my family. I have a very supportive family. I will never have done what I am doing now without my husband’s support both morally and financially. I try as much as I can not to neglect my husband and my children. I always make up for the lost time whenever I have the opportunity because I am always busy. I pick my children from school myself to enjoy their conversation because we may not have the time to do that again. I let them know that I am interested in their welfare and show them they mean the world to me.

Where do you see GZK in the next five years?
I see GZK gaining ground strongly in the market as a ready-to-wear line. By that time, we would be able to brand export our clothes in South Africa. We use the UK sizes and make them of international standard, so South Africa looks like a big market for GZK in future. I am not interested in a couture, but gaining the market as a ready-to-wear line which is more profitable and less time-consuming.

Women should be empowered to stand against any form of abuse

Even through she was attacked in her Port Harcourt home, some years ago the Amazon of the Niger Delta agitation, Annkio Briggs has no plans to slow down in addressing the issues facing her people.
Briggs, the spokesperson of Ijaw Republican Assembly and United Niger Delta Energy Development Security Strategy (UNDEDSS) doesn't care for her life especially when she is fighting for a good cause.

In a recent interview with Daily Sun, she spoke on her journey into activism and the role of parents in raising men that won't end up abusing their women. Excerpts:

You have been an activist for 14 years now, what challenges do you face as a female activist?
I have faced all the issues that women face in a male-dominated society like ours. When it comes to marginalizing me as a woman, I fight it. But when it comes to suffering pains, no one remembers I am a woman. I have to be treated like a man.

Years back, I was seriously attacked in my home and all the people that attacked me where young men numbering about 18. They were armed and gained entrance into my home in Port Harcourt and I was beaten to a pulp. I was in coma for five days. So, when it comes to that, no one remembers that I am a woman but I am handled the way men are handled. It is hypocritical for men to say to women that there are certain things women cannot do. I have faced a lot of threatening situations because men feel that I have to be seen and not heard and I confront them squarely. I was not raised to let those type of things bother me.

What kind of upbringing did you have?
My father and grand mother were a great influence on my life. Who I am today is hinged on my upbringing. My mother is British and her way of looking at things is different from the way my father and his mother looked at things. My mother's influence on me was different but the predominant influence that I am exhibiting today is that of my father and his mother because I was raised in the creeks. I was taught to look at the truth, recognize it and speak it. I was raised to be outspoken and not to be afraid of anybody but God. Although I was raised to respect everyone no matter their status in the society, I must not be intimidated. I was raise and to treat everybody equally. I don't have issues with respecting people. For me, my upbringing makes speaking the truth a natural thing. It is a choice we have to make that determines the kind of life we live. Everybody has the capacity to do good and evil at the same time but we are faced with choices everyday.

What triggered your going into activism?
I grew up in a community known as Abonima. I know what Abonima and the surrounding communities looked like while growing up because I see it in my mind's eye. I know what they looked like before oil pollution started and I know what they look like now. Those memories don't exist anymore. That is my drive for going into activism because I feel cheated and feel something has been stolen from me and I cannot recover it. I am angry about the living conditions of my people in the creeks because that was not the picture I had of my community while growing up. The degradation I witnessed in the creeks fueled my resolve to be an activist.

Were there times your kids told you to quit activism or soft pedal especially after you were attacked in your home?
Yes, they do that. They won't really be caring kids if they don't say that or try to make me stay away from the hazards of being an activist. In fact, it is not only my kids that are concerned for my safety but my family members as well. My uncles, aunties and even friends always try to dissuade me from doing what I love the most which is speaking against the injustice meted out to my people. God is the major force behind what I do. I know that God's hands is in what I do otherwise the temptation alone not to continue, to fall in line, turn a blind eye to what is happening to my people and to be rich by supporting every government in power is there. It takes the grace and strength of God to be focused in what I am doing. It doesn't matter what everyone is saying or doing, what matters is that I am doing the right thing.. My life is not in my hands and I don't worry about it because God keeps me. What I am worried about is my focus and doing the right thing.

Are you saying you are not afraid for your life?
Why should I be afraid for my life? My life is not even mine. Nobody can go to bed and be a hundred percent sure of waking up the next day. I will not stop speaking the truth even when it is dangerous to do that. Why will I waste my time and energy wondering about my life when everything is in God's hands?

How do you feel being an activist?
It is comforting to know that you are doing the right thing. It is more comforting to know that God is watching over you as you truly fight for the right cause. I feel great being an activist.

Do you see the changes you so desire for your people at hand having been in the struggle for a while?
Yes. If I don't visualize it, if I don't expect it, work towards it then what I am doing becomes meaningless. I am not doing what I am doing with the thought that at a particular time, I will hand the baton to someone else to continue from where I stopped, I am doing this because I believe the change will come in my time and I will see it. We have come a long way. I visualize the changes because I have seen some improvements compared to when I started. When I started, people didn't understand what I was talking about. People were suffering environmental degradation and have accepted it as a way of life. They were told that environmental pollution was what they must suffer to enjoy their oil wealth.

After that, I did some research and discovered they were being exploited and not enjoying the wealth of their community. I had to start educating them on how things should be and that was how I started as an environmental activist. I see changes soon because my people are now more aware of their environment and their rights as citizens of Nigeria. A lot has happened and my people know their rights, they no longer to accept lies and after this stage, we will start reaping the fruits of our fight for justice.

Would you want your kids to follow your footsteps?
No, I wouldn't want my kids to toe the same line, that is taking part in the Niger Delta struggle as it is called. But I would want my kids to do better than me when it comes to speaking the truth, standing up for justice and knowing that standing for the truth attracts God's backing. I raised my children the way I was raised and definitely I want them to become people that will be known for standing for the truth. If they are like that, then I would have succeeded in raising children that I would be proud of.

Do you have a beauty routine?
It's the regular one. I don't do anything special. I eat right and drink lots of water. I don't eat until I am hungry. I try as much as possible to stay away from unnecessary stress. I make myself happy and live life one day at a time.

What will you say to Nigerian women who are being abused either in relationships or marriages?
I am not distant from domestic violence. My responsibilities also involve educating women about their rights. They don't have to stay where they are going to die so as to remain in any relationship. Many women in Nigeria are beginning to realize they have power to make choices when it comes to their lives. In terms of violence against women, one area in which women can do something about it is to flee. For me, I will not stay a moment in a place where my life is hanging on a balance.

I will not stay in a relationship where I am mentally abused or turned into a punching bag. It is degrading for one to go through that. Staying in a relationship where you are mentally abused can make you go mad or kill yourself. it can make your life worthless or that of your children worthless. You find out that what most people tell you in our society if you are being abused is stay there for your children. "No one has ever been divorced in our family, you can't leave your home, remain there, endure and pray, the man will change." But what of when you die? What then happens to the children? Who will now take care of them? How will they deal with the trauma of your sudden death? All these questions need to answered truthfully by women going through abuse. They have to take a stand and say no.

Women that are going through abusive relationships whether in a family setting, in a relationship or in a marriage must know that they have a right to life. Women should realize they have a right to be happy and remain alive rather than stay married and end up dead. I am a single parent and my children understand me. I am a mother who loves my children and will not be in a relationship that will cost me my life. Men believe that as a woman you must be married because of the way our society is structured. Preserve your life, that of your kids and take your kids with you when you leave.

In what ways can these issues be addressed?
We need to re-orient our women. Immediately you have a girl, let them know that they are equal with their male counterparts. We need to treat them as parents in that manner. Do not create an atmosphere where the boy will be favoured and preferred above the girl. They will take it up and treat women shabbily when they become men. Parents should teach their boys to respect girls and care for them. What you instill in your child as a parent cannot be taken away by the societal pressures because it is now a part of his life.

I have three girls and a son and I have taught him to be a real man, to love and respect women the way he respects his aunties and me. We should raise our sons the right way and not the way society says we should raise them. No matter the provocation, no man has the right to beat a woman. Women should know that they are empowered to be anything they wish to be because they are equal with the men. Women should be strong and empowered so that they can stand against any form of abuse. A woman was created to be a companion and help a man not be a door mat or a punching bag.

Modern Kindness: 9 Day-Brightening Stories of Generosity

From spare change to vital organs, these tales of everyday giving will put a smile on your face—and inspire you to pay it forward.

By sisi-rosa

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Photo: Thinkstock

Paying it Forward in a Post-Parking-Meter World

Recently I was running a particularly soul-sucking round of errands and parked my car in a metered spot. I paid for the meter's maximum amount of two hours, but my errand only took half an hour. Now, usually I would have been happy to leave a meter with time left in it and, particularly on a bothersome day, would even add quarters for the next person. It's largely selfish, really, because then the rest of my soul-sucking errands are cheered a bit by the thought that maybe I made someone else's soul-sucking errands a tiny bit less soul-sucking. But guess what?

My city has made the switch to muni-meters—those robotic-looking machines where you pay on a credit card and receive a receipt that you then place on your dashboard. Good news if you've run out of quarters, but terrible news for the parking meter pay-it-forward phenomenon. I actually hung around for a minute to see if someone else would park there so I could hand them my time-stamped receipt. Alas, no one did, and my extra $1.50 slipped right past would-be parkers and into the pocket of the city council—or whoever it is. This does nothing for my soul-sucking errands. Next stop, drug store. Sigh.

And you know what? It's the same on the freeway: I have a friend who used to always pay for the toll of the car behind her but admits that since she's switched to the automated E-ZPass, she's abandoned the practice, whizzing through as a laser anonymously zeeps her toll-paying pass. Not to get too Andy Rooney here, but these days, even doors open themselves! How's a person supposed to perform a daily act of paying it forward if the world's going to be so darn automated?

Well, here are a few ideas for performing small acts of kindness in today's world of the future:

• Donate your unused Wi-Fi bandwidth to people in need.
• Get inspired by others at the Pay It Forward Experience website
• Use your super techie skills to Hack for Good.

Or you could always do something crazy-analog like, I don't know, help a little old lady crossing the street.

Reason #437 to Love Complete Strangers: Kmart Layaway Angels

In December, in an effort to diversify our holiday-related vegging-out, my husband and I enjoyed that forgotten favorite, A Holiday Affair. In this curious film, an unemployed Robert Mitchum buys a widow's son a toy train, which turns out to be more than just a generous gesture, but indeed a true show of character.

I was reminded of this when I read about anonymous donors who paid off other peoples' Kmart layaway balances all across the country. According to an AP article, a mysterious woman paid off a struggling father's Christmas gifts at an Indianapolis Kmart. And Kmart customers across the Midwest received calls telling them someone had paid off their layaway balances, which meant they were able to take their purchases home before the holidays. "It was like an angel fell out of the sky and appeared in our store," said one 40-year-old Kmart employee. A nurse whose child's Christmas present were anonymously paid for said, "It made me believe in Christmas again."

Best of all, one recipient said she planned to pay it forward by taking care of someone else's layaway balance—keeping the cycle of giving. And that, as Robert Mitchum and Santa alike can attest, is the real spirit of the season.

The Life-Lifter: A 60-Person Chain of Kidneys and Kindness

The last time my family moved, I spent about a week wandering around our new apartment building like a confused transfer student. One night, exhausted, overwhelmed, stymied by a mysterious system in the laundry room, I almost really lost it. Then one of my new neighbors lent me his laundry card, and it's embarrassing to admit how overjoyed and relieved I was. I couldn't thank him enough. Such kindness! Such generosity! Funny how a small gesture like this makes you want to do something kind for others. But while I'm sure I would lend a bumbling neighbor my laundry card, I'm not sure I could ever be as generous as Rick Ruzzamenti—or the 30 other people he indirectly inspired to donate their kidneys so that others might live.

I don't think it's just the relocation exhaustion that made me get weepy when I read this New York Times story of Chain 124, "the longest chain of kidney transplants ever constructed, linking 30 people who were willing to give up an organ with 30 who might have died without one." The chain began with a Good Samaritan named Rick Ruzzamenti, who decided rather impulsively that he wanted to donate his kidney to someone in need. As the article reports, the donation chain's "momentum was then fueled by a mix of selflessness and self-interest among donors who gave a kidney to a stranger after learning they could not donate to a loved one because of incompatible blood types or antibodies. Their loved ones, in turn, were offered compatible kidneys as part of the exchange."

In other words, a wife who wanted to donate a kidney to her husband but couldn't because they were incompatible for whatever reason donated a kidney to someone, and in return, her husband eventually would get a compatible kidney from someone else.

I love this story not only for its supercharged pay-it-forward mentality and because it is a reminder that there are people who will be this generous. But I also love it because it’s illustrative of how interconnected our lives are. Aren't we all links in a chain of sorts? Whether it's donating a kidney or something smaller, like sharing a smile or lending a laundry card, we can all do something today to inspire someone else to be kind too.

The last link in the chain of the 30 interconnected transplants, organ recipient Donald C. Terry said to his doctor, "Is it going to continue? I don't want to be the reason to stop anything." "No, no, no," the doctor assured him. "This chain ends, but another one begins."

The Paper Cup of Gratitude

Photo: Kari Byron

The other day Kari Byron tweeted this image of her morning-coffee cup, on which someone had written, "If you are who I think you are, thanks for making science cool!" Byron tweeted: "Humbled by the sweetness." By the way, she is who you think she is, coffee-writer-person—the awesome host of the Discovery Channel Mythbusters and Head Rush—and she does make science cool.

What an endearing way to send someone message, right? And it got me thinking—what if we all expressed our gratitude in such heartfelt but sneaky ways? A thank-you to a thoughtful waiter scribbled on a napkin or an anonymous note of appreciation to a coworker sticky-noted to a computer keyboard. An unsigned "thanks" slipped in the pocket of a friendly acquaintance. A chance encounter can lift someone's whole day up, and you can be the writer on the paper cup, as it were.

Choreographed Hope, Brought to You by HopeMob

"If Mother Teresa built a platform with the tech base of Groupon, Foursquare and Netflix, with the heart of CNN Heroes, it would look like HopeMob." Intriguing, right? According to Caitlin Crosby, writing for the Huffington Post, HopeMob is an innovative way to reach out to specific people in need, and one that promises to be more satisfying than writing a check to big charity, never knowing exactly what your money is being used for. With HopeMob, individuals can vote on which people to help and pledge as much or as little as they like to the selected cause.

The causes are usually small-scale stories. To me, this is exactly what makes HopeMob so compelling. When I think about big, abstract issues like hunger or deforestation, my mind starts to blank out. But a 13-year-old boy with one tattered pair of shoes who needs help getting more suitable footwear—that I can understand. A mother of four whose car has died. A little girl in Haiti who needs to get to the U.S. for life-saving surgery.

HopeMob may not be as hilarious as, say, a 20,000-person flash mob dancing to the Black Eyed Peas, but it provides that same feeling of "That is the coolest thing ever!"—that sense of being a part of something special. Learn more about HopeMob and how to get involved here at HopeMob.org

The Life-Lifter: Cancer Sucks. Laughing Helps.

You know how sometimes you just don't know what to say? It's bad enough on an awkward blind date or nerve-wracking job interview, but what about when you really need to say just exactly the right thing and somehow...really...can't? To wit, my friend's toddler was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Whenever I am around them I find myself avoiding the subject with cheery ferocity, or else saying things like "Wow, that sucks." Or, equally idiotic: "How are things going? What can I do?" I mean, it does suck. And I do wish there were something I could do. But really what they want is for their kid to not have cancer, and although I am quite powerful in many, largely imaginary ways, I can't seem to do anything about that.

Then I happened upon the site Jokes 4 Miles, and it occurred to me that perhaps there is a tiny thing I can do, a small way I can offer a touch of light into the terrible darkness of this illness.

Write a Love Letter to your Latte Maker?

Dear Latte Lady,
Those hearts you make in my latte foam? I know it's a little thing, but getting lattes is an extra-special-only-sometimes treat for me, and those wispy hearts make it even nicer. I know you are on your feet all day, I know you go home reeking so much of coffee that you probably don't even like it anymore, and I know people get crabby with you and snap when you mess up an order. And I know that you are a kind soul, and most important, you are YOU, the only you there is, and that means something, even though I totally don't know your name.
Love,
The Girl in the Corner with the Laptop

This is my contribution to The World Needs More Love Letters, the endearing ongoing project of Hannah Brencher, who started writing love letters to strangers on her morning commute to work when she looked around the train she was riding one day and realized she wasn't the only one who could use a boost. Since then, she's written more than 400 love letters, leaving them scattered around for people to find, and she has invited many others to join her in various good-will-spreading projects across the world. Last November, the focus was on those wonderful people who make our lattes, sling our coffees, warn us about how hot the tea water is: baristas.

I've been a barista, and ever since a lady yelled, "You ruined my family's Christmas!" at me (the cafe had run out of her favorite cookies), I've made an effort to be nice to people working behind counters. Personally, I just like the idea that by such a small, simple act, I can brighten someone's day. Particularly, my latte lady, since she so often brightens mine.

Everyone is invited to leave love letters for their own baristas, or to send them to the More Love Letters PO Box, from whence they will be dispatched to various cafes. Visit the More Love Letters site to see the love-letter map, read testimonials by people who have found letters and find out how you can participate.

A Social Network for Good

Social networks. We love them for the ways they bring people together, introduce us to new things and provide convenient ways to force cute baby anecdotes onto the world. We don't love them for the ways they can suck us away from the real world and into the virtual one and for that glazed, slightly queasy feeling we get when we've spaced out in front of the screen for too long. Enter Kindify, a new social network that focuses not on posting ill-advised party pics but instead on doing good.

The idea is to set into motion chains of kindness: You do a good deed, you post it on the site, and you ask a friend to do a good deed in return. I admit I found this a little intimidating (my "good deeds tree" would look so...wintry!), but the site assures me that something as small as buying someone a coffee can count. I love the idea of being part of a community of kindness, of making an effort to do good every day. And I have the feeling that time spent on Kindify would leave me feeling uplifted and positive, without that petty "OMG! Everyone's having such amazing vacations but me" kind of hangover other social networks can sometimes cause. Every overladen shopper struggling to open a heavy door better watch out, because I'm coming to help...whether they like it or not!

Random Acts of Chocolate

The other day I was spending some of my scant time here on Earth moping in an epic line at my local CVS. This store seems to employ about two people, and waiting in line, I could actually feel my life trickling away. Then I saw the display: GET EM. GIVE EM. RANDOM ACTS OF CHOCOLATE scrawled on bins full of candy bars, which were now, suddenly, being equated with acts of kindness. I have to say, as rebranding efforts go, this one seems pretty brilliant. Maybe it was the flickering fluorescent lights, but I was compelled, as if hypnotized, to purchase not one but two chocolate bars. I would get them! I would give them! I would brighten someone's day! After all, I know that performing even the smallest act of kindness can improve my life and, who knows, possibly change the world.

I told myself I was going to gift a scrumptious Snickers to the next downtrodden-looking stranger I saw, but as I walked down the street I started to lose my nerve. Who would accept candy from a stranger? Haven't we all been warned enough not to do that? Then I spotted her—my perfect target. A tired-looking 60-something woman got off the bus in front of me and started shuffling along, hunched against the cold wind. I took a deep breath and handed her the candy bar. A look of classic New Yorker refusal flickered across her face, but then she looked up and realized I wasn't trying to sell her something or grab her purse—or worse of all, ask for money for Greenpeace. "Here," I said, feeling like an idiot. "It's, uh, a random act of chocolate." (Somewhere at the Mars candy company marketing headquarters, copy writers were giving one another high fives.) She looked confused and then smiled very slightly and said, "Okay." I triumphantly watched her walk away with the candy. She had smiled very slightly! She was going to go enjoy a sweet treat and wonder all night about the stranger who brightened her whole day! Or else she was going to throw it away in the next trash bin (no, wait, maybe she isn't as neurotic as I am).

I knew right where the second candy bar was going. When my husband got home, I handed it to him with some flourish (I am often ridiculed for not having any "good food," aka sweets, around the house), and said: "A random act of chocolate to brighten your day!" "Huh," he replied. "Thanks. I'm trying to stick to my diet though, remember?" Oh, right. So was I. Not the point, though...it was an act of kindness! Sweet, chocolately, calorie-filled kindness!

In the end, I realized what had been exciting about my dalliance with "random acts" was actually that moment of reaching out to a stranger, which happens so rarely in a big city (or maybe anywhere)—and that the day that had been brightened was mine. It was so fun in a weird way that I've been trying to keep up the habit, whether it's offering a pound of good coffee to a highly caffeinated friend or a flower to the babysitter. Random acts of tiny (occasionally diet-busting) pleasures.